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Weird Humour

How to get the Blood off Your Melodeon

There are many ways to get blood off a melodeon. Usually I prefer to discuss how to get it on there, but for this new year special we'll consider the problem of removal.

  1. Pour any inflammable spirit onto the instrument. Don't worry if any spills beyond the area of the stain, this won't affect the end result. Now set light to it. (Please note this is best done in an open space when there's no one around who might get injured - at least no one we care about - A town square during a morris dance display is ideal)
  2. Using a drill bit at least half the size again as the stain, drill out the marked area. Don't worry,this will not adversely affect the sound of the instrument. Quite the contrary.
  3. Attach sandpaper to the head of an industrial weight sledgehammer. The grade of sandpaper used is irrelevant (don't kid yourself we're going to do any sanding here, its just to fool the idiot who owns the melodeon.) Now let the hammer head fall onto the marked area from as great a height as you please. Repeat this until the mark (or the instrument) is completely gone.
By Bored Borinson

Build Your Own Melodeon

A do-it-yourself guide

First take two bits of wood. Stick one of them to one side of a chunk of foam. Stick the other bit of wood to the other side of the foam. Paint the wood (not the foam). When the paint dries, stick buttons to the wooden ends.

Test your melodeon carefully by squeezing it and pressing the buttons at the same time. It won’t sound good, but better than the real thing.

D McBorin.

How to Play the Bagpipes

A do-it-yourself guide

First catch your bagpipes. They are like cats and should be treated accordianly, allow them to go outside as often as necessary, (and possible).

With great care take the mouthpiece into your mouth, and as you would with a young child put the bag under your arm. The other bits can go where they like, but take care with them. Blow into the pipe as hard and often as you can. When you begin to feel dizzy, squeeze the bag. As the thing begins to scream start wiggling your fingers over the holes in the bit with holes in it. If it doesn’t sound Scottish enough, wiggle them faster.

D McBorinson.

Music For Masochists

Whilst masochism has been well supported in the world of rock music, it is less well known that the masochist can enjoy many exquisite delights accompanied by and indeed because of folk music. The performer can experience a bewildering array of aches, pains and discomforts, but the listener need not feel excluded.

Some delights available to the rock musician are also provided for the folk artist - feedback at sound checks, broken limbs from falling off stage, electric shocks (harder to come by, though increasingly widely available) - but there are more exclusive pleasures to be gained. The caviar of pain must surely be tinnitus induced by persistent playing of bagpipes, or perhaps broken fingers and cracked skulls, the specialities of stick dancers.

There are treats for those involved in less arcane folk activities, however. All folk dancers can savour the prospect of sprained and twisted ankles. Guitarists can choose their pain from a wide menu - finger tips pierced by string ends, blisters, or concussion gained from banging ones head against a brick wall when failing to come up with just the right chord.

But this is just the beginning. A little creativity and lack of sense can produce more discomfort than anyone could wish for. Just stop thinking about it and try it for yourself!

Equipment for the musical masochist is available from all Hobgoblin outlets.

Dr Borinson's Remedies

Dr Borinson's Appendix - Finally, the Doctor has found another outlet for his nonsense.

The Ultimate Guide To Folk Musicians Anonymous

Issue 2 - 1998

Many have suffered in the so called Folk Revival. Lives haves been destroyed, marriages broken and families divided. The curse of folk music has left scars on whole towns that belittle even the ravages of war.

Something must be done and Dr Borinson's remedies still the best place to go for relief when your nearest convenience is occupied.

Issue 1 - 1996

Many have suffered in the so called Folk Revival. Lives haves been destroyed, marriages broken and divided families. The curse of folk music has left scars on whole towns that belittle even the ravages of war.

Something must be done and Dr Borinson's remedies are the place to start.

Contributions to these pages are welcome. Dr Borinson has no personal link to the internet but contributions can be sent by e-mail to Pete McClelland or by ordinary post to Dr Borinson at Hobgoblin Music, 24 Rathbone Place, London W1P 1DG.
Dr Borinson hopes you've enjoyed these pages and you recover soon. Dr Borinson regrets he cannot reply to personal insults however justified.
Dr Borinson's pages were written and compiled by Dave Benton and are placed here courtesy of Pete McClelland and Hobgoblin Music. The ideas and opinions expressed here are not Pete's or Hobgoblin's and not necessarily even Dave Benton's but Dave is the one to blame.


Wind Instruments

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
.....Shoot one.

What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
.....When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
.....Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Bodhran Jokes

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
.....A bodhran player.

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
.....Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
.....The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

What do bodhran players use for birth control?
.....Their personalities.

What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
.....A razor blade.

Banjo Jokes

What's the definition of Perfect Pitch ?
.....Getting the banjo into the skip without touching the sides

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson?
.....You can tune a Harley.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
.....The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?
.....People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.

Accordion Jokes

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
.....Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
.....The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
.....A good start.


Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
.....To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
.....A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
.....The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

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