2 FLINGING THE BAGPIPES
Competitors will be be required to throw as many bagpipes as possible from a clay or concrete floored circle placed centrally in the stadium to a point outside the stadium. each competitor will be allowed 3 minutes to relieve the stadium of as many instruments as he or she can. The winner will be adjudged to be the spectator who laughs or cheers the loudest and longest. In the event of a tie the whole event will be repeated.
Qualification: 10 sets.
3 100 METRES DASH - TEAM EVENT
Competitors will be required to run 100 metres as far as possible. The event will be instigated by his or her team-mate adopting a ready-to-play-the- melodeon position. In the interests of health and safety the runners will be required to establish a qualifying escape time of no more than 14 seconds. Any player actually making a noise with his/her instrument shall be disqualified. Runers may run in any direction they chose, but away from the player is advised.
Qualification: Ability to restrain the "player" from actually doing so must be established.
4 JAVELIN - TEAM EVENT
A competitor nominated the "thrower" will, from a running start no longer than necessary, project a javelin towards the nominated "catcher". the catcher shall hold a melodeon in two hands and present it to be penetrated by the falling javelin. Once the catch is complete he shall immediately drop the melodeon from a minimum height of four feet to the ground. The winner shall be judged by measuring the distance from the throwing line to the furthest point of the fallen melodeon or part thereof. A foul will be called upon any blood or bodily fluids, or solids for that matter, fouling the play area during the event. Offending competitors will be required to repeat their attempt (after they've cleaned up the mess). A postumous medal ceremony is available.
5 MELODEON BUNJIE JUMP
Competitors will be required to leap from a platform no less than 175 feet above the ground holding on to the wrist strap of a melodeon (or suitable) accordion attached in turn to an unelasticated rope 150 feet in length. The winner will be the person who gets closet to the ground as the bellows stretch open. In the event of a tie, time or degree of injury will decide the winner. Death will not disqualify.
Qualification: IQ 60
6 LONG JUMP
Competitors will be required to jump over a line of melodeons as long as possible after a running start of not more than 30 metres. Ordinary melodeons (two row) are rated as 1 point, Castagnari Lily: 0.5 point, Paolo Soprani Elite models: 1.5 points, Hlavaczek 3 rows: 3 points. In order not to drag this one out (let's face it, it doesn't do enough damage) only two attempts will be allowed each entrant.
Qualification: Metal spiked shoes.
7 SWALLOWING THE FLUTE
Competitors will be required to introduce a selected instrument into any orifice of their choosing as far as it will go. The winner shall be he/she who has the least amount of the instrument remaining outside their body on completion of the event. Competitors may be required to submit themselves for examination.
Qualification: Willingness to submit themselves to examination.
8 STRANGLING THE FIDDLER
Not actually an event. Just seemed like a good idea.
9 LYNCHING THE BODHRAN PLAYER - TEAM EVENT
A team of players will be required to exclude a bodhran player from their activity continuing until gang murder is the only option left. Points will be awarded for style, technical merit, and timing (if there is any).
Qualification: A concern for the plight of the human race.
10 SWIMMING - SAVING YOUR INSTRUMENT
Competitors will be required to throw their instrument (any instrument, we're not fussy) into an Olympic sized swimming pool and then walk away from it. Judging will.....oh, why bother.
Qualification: Do you care? Cos I don't.