The Humour Of Folk

What's the difference between an onion and a bodhran?
No one cries when they chop up a bodhran.

What's the difference between a mandolin and a mandola?
A mandola takes longer to burn.

Lost in the woods you meet a good whistle player, a bad whistle player and a pink elephant. Who do you ask for directions?
The bad whistle player. The others are just figments of your imagination.

Trapped in a lift you have a gun and two bullets. In the lift with you are Stalin, Hitler and a bodhran player. What do you do?
Shoot the bodhran player twice. Can't take chances.

How can you tell if a bodhran player is standing on the level?
He dribbles from both sides of his mouth.

How do you tell if a guitarist is lying?
His lips move.

What do you call two melodeon players at the bottom of the sea?
A start.

Driving down a busy High Street you have to swerve to avoid hitting either a melodeon player or a morris dancer. Which do you hit?
The melodeon player - business before pleasure.

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson?
You can tune a Harley Davidson.

What's the difference between a morris team and the Titanic.
They had a good band on the Titanic.

How many banjo players does it take to eat a rabbit?
Two - one to eat, one to watch for cars coming.

How many fiddle players does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it and another five doing it faster.

What's big and yellow and looks good in a banjo shop?

Why is sex like a banjo?
They're both much better with no strings attached.

What the difference between banjos and piles?
Not every arsehole gets piles.

Why is premature ejaculation like a morris display?
You know it's coming but nothing you can do will stop it.

What do you call four melodeon players in a Metro going over a cliff?
A waste. Could've got two more in.

How many banjo players do you need to tile a bathroom?
Only one if you slice him thin enough.

A melodeon player up to his neck in concrete. What have you got?
Not enough concrete.

What does a melodeon player use for contraception?
His personality.

How do you keep you fiddle from being stolen?
Keep it in a banjo case.

You can always tell a guitarist.
You just can't tell him much.

Contributions to "Everyday Situations" made by Chris Stanton, David Jacobs, and Dr Borinson (if I've forgotten someone, sorry - tell me and I'll correct it).